


If not for you

by cher



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-25 21:02:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15648885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cher/pseuds/cher
Summary: Edward made it back to Amestris. He didn't come back alone.





	If not for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Loudest_Voice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loudest_Voice/gifts).



Roy shouldn't have come. He really should not have, but Breda wouldn't have believed yet another iteration of the 'too much work' excuse. He'd start thinking Roy didn't actually want to come to bar nights soon, and Roy couldn't afford for him to start wondering why. 

So here he was, a few too many whiskies down, and unable to keep his eye on his own table. He should go home, before he made himself obvious. He should, but he knew he wouldn't. 

He didn't get this kind of chance very often, to just look at Ed. Just watch him, see his happiness. It looked good on him, but then everything did. 

The man sitting with Ed still made Roy want to shudder. Seeing his own unblemished face walking around on a different man was uncanny. It wasn't the man's fault, but Roy just could not stand to interact with him at all if he could help it. His clothes were wrong, his expressions were wrong, and his accent was so strange that it took concentration for Roy to understand him. He couldn't help but resent his two perfect eyes. Most of all, Roy recoiled from seeing his ease with Edward, and the unfair, unfair way he could draw uncomplicated laughter from him. The only other person who could do that was Alphonse. Certainly, it had never been Roy. 

He felt pathetic. Nights like this he missed Maes badly. He didn't do well when left to brood alone, and he could hardly speak to anyone else he knew about this ridiculous situation. What would he say? A man with my face has the love of the man I didn't know I loved until it was too late? It was straight out of a two-cens romance novel. Leave it to Edward Elric to turn what was possible or impossible right on its head. 

The chair next to his was suddenly occupied, and he wrenched his gaze away from Edward's golden ponytail, hopefully before he was caught staring. Ah. Probably he had been caught staring. "Alphonse," he said, dredging up a genuine smile for the young man. 

Alphonse looked at him seriously, nursing his cider. The mismatch of his physical youth and his much older eyes was always jarring. The intelligence had never changed, not even when Alphonse lacked memories to give him context. Neither had the intensity of his gaze. "Do you think you'll ever tell him?" he asked, low-voiced. 

Roy considered pretending not to know what Alphonse meant, but it was pointless playing dumb with an Elric. "No. He deserves to be happy with what he has. And he's always tolerated me at best. I wouldn't do anything to intrude on the life he's chosen for himself, Alphonse."

Alphonse hummed. "Brother isn't very good at talking about his feelings, but Leo told me that Brother took a long time to warm up to him when they met. He thinks he pushed him away for so long because he was missing you."

The lance of pain that flashed through Roy was familiar; lost chances and untaken paths. It figured that his own double would be just as insecure as Roy himself was, just as certain he didn't deserve a second look from a man as incredible as Edward. But that was all it was, his own insecurities echoing back to him from his counterpart's lips. Edward loved Leo, in that wholehearted way Edward did everything. Hope would destroy Roy, far faster than this brooding would, and he couldn't let it take root. 

"Thank you. It's nice to know he didn't entirely hate me. But I couldn't forgive myself if I ruined his happiness. Some things are best left alone." 

Alphonse tilted his head. "I know it's weird for you, that Leo is here. I understand. If I'd had to meet Alfons I'd probably feel the same way. But Leo can't go back to his own world, and Brother won't leave him no matter how he feels about you, and you'll keep spending time with Brother. I don't think you can stop yourself. Maybe it won't be so weird if you get to know him a bit? He's not very much like you at all, you know."

Roy's traitor heart tripped in his chest, and his fingers tightened around his glass. He hoped his expression hadn't changed, but he was afraid he'd had just enough to drink tonight that his mask might have slipped. Alphonse's eyes were so close to being the ones he wanted to be looking into, and that was probably why he couldn't stop himself from asking. "How he feels about me?" 

"Brother is one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet, General. I know he missed you badly when he was trapped on Earth. I don't think he'd have started anything with Leo at all unless he believed he'd never make it back to Amestris."

It hurt, to think of Edward alone in a world that didn't understand him. To think of Edward resigning himself to live with an intolerable situation all over again. Fullmetal had more than earned some happiness in his life, and it broke Roy's heart that life just kept kicking him. Seen like that, he supposed he could be glad that his counterpart had found Ed, loved him enough to make him smile in that world without alchemy. Maybe it was even romantic, that the elements that made up Roy Mustang-shaped people were all magnetised to Edward Elric. 

It didn't make the memory of his first sight of Edward in two years any less painful. The joy he'd felt at the familiar flash of golden hair tumbling out of the portal under Central. Roy had almost run forward as the portal narrowed, clearly closing, but then another person had come flying through it as if they'd thrown themselves bodily. The portal had closed with a flash, and when Roy's vision cleared again his heart had almost stopped. Edward had been bloody, scraped, tear-streaked and incandescently angry. The other man was... Roy, and he'd been wearing a look Roy recognised from the mirror, the one that said he was doing something foolhardy, dangerous, somewhat likely to kill him. Something he couldn't be dissuaded from. As Roy had stood frozen, apparently still out of their line of sight, Edward had closed his eyes, taken a deep breath, and pulled not-Roy close. He'd grown, enough that he could lay his cheek against not-Roy's. They held each other, and Edward murmured just loud enough for Roy to hear that not-Roy was a dumbass, and did he know it was final now, he was stuck with him. Not-Roy had curled his palm against Edward's blood-smeared cheek and kissed him. It was the kind of kiss that Roy had never had occasion to give. It was a kiss between long term lovers, a kiss that said that not-Roy wasn't willing to live his life without Edward. And Edward...Edward kissed back. 

Roy had realised a number of things in the same crushing moment. The joy he felt at seeing Edward alive went a bit beyond friendship. The way his heart hurt at that kiss meant he'd been lying to himself for years. He was in love with Edward, and Edward was home, and Edward was lost to him. To his own double. Was that irony, or just his abysmal luck?

He couldn't say he'd come to terms with all of it, as evidenced by his continued avoidance of his double. He just had to be glad that Edward was safe, and happy, and home. He was glad. He just couldn't stand to see it right in front of him, not all the time. Just every so often, nights like this, when wallowing couldn't really be avoided. 

Alphonse glanced at his brother and ...Leo. Roy supposed he could think of him by his actual name. They were smiling at each other, and the soft expression that Edward wore would be completely out of place if it had been Roy he was looking at. He and Fullmetal were a powder keg and a whole bushel full of sparks, and Ed would never have the kind of ease, the—sweetness—with Roy that he shared with Leo. No. Roy couldn't give Edward anything he didn't already have, in a less-damaged package. 

"General, it might seem cruel of me to say this, but both of you are suffering, so I'm going to. Brother loves you. He also loves Leo. Now he's with Leo, he'd never do anything to hurt their relationship, but I know he hates that he can't be with you. Leo knows that as well, and I'm sure you know your own psyche well enough to see what's going to happen. It's going to tear them apart, in the end."

Yes, that sounded right. Roy wouldn't be able to let it be, if it were him with Edward, knowing Edward loved another man. Eventually his jealousy would poison him. Wasn't that just a kick in the guts, to know that even his attempts to stay out of the way and not interfere with Edward's relationship were doomed to fail. 

"And so what do you suggest?"

Alphonse gave him a long, searching look. Those _eyes_. They were serious, but a spark of mischief shone out. "Well... Brother always did like to accuse you of loving yourself too much."

Roy blinked. It wasn't often he was struck speechless. 

Al chuckled, presumably at Roy's expression. "Sorry, General. But really, you should talk to Leo. He doesn't want to see Ed so torn any more than you do. Maybe you can work something out."

Did Al mean...that Edward might allow himself to be shared? That his double might be able to quiet their presumably similar jealous streaks for Ed? That Leo might not be as unamenable to Roy's presence as Roy was to his?

Well. All the whiskey was good for one thing, and that was overcoming his caution. Maybe he could go and say hello. 

Behind him, Al smiled.


End file.
